Cinq
by Novocain
Summary: Five things that never happened to Naruto.


Five Things That Never Happened to Naruto 

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Naruto couldn't stop grinning. The day he'd been fighting toward - sweating, bleeding, training, and killing for - had finally arrived, and nothing could mar his happiness. Nothing.

A loud knock on the door was given before it was slammed open and Sakura waltzed in.

"You moron! You can't wear the hat backward! Kami!" She fussed around him, fixing the hat and fussing with the fold of his robes.

"But Sakura-chaaan! I look so old! And...mature." He shuddered dramatically, whispering the last word in a sort of horror that was entirely feigned.

Sakura snorted. "Kami forbid that our Hokage have more maturity than a three year old."

"Exactly! Besides, all the stuffy dignitaries scare me. With their sniffs and big words and wrinkly asses..." Naruto gazed glazedly at the ceiling, the memory of his earlier experience traumatizing him.

That won a laugh. "Naruto, just think of it as a battle with words. You have to protect Konoha from the snobby politicians and their evil, wicked plots."

He straightened in mock-seriousness and rearranged his face until it was stern and solemn. "I shall lay my life on the line while combating the dreaded politicians and their brown-nosing minions."

Sakura cracked up. "You - stop looking like that!"

Naruto held on to his Serious Face as stared at her solemnly. "Like what, Haruno-san?"

It was Sakura's turn to shudder. "Okay, you're taking it way too far. If you ever call me 'Haruno-san' again, I'm going to check for henge or genjutsu, or just forgo that altogether and slaughter the ninja who has obviously kidnapped you and tortured you with sex until you gave up all your secrets."

Naruto blushed a little, losing the Serious Face. "I'll keep that in mind. And keep it down, will you? No one really knows how loose my mouth gets while I'm getting laid, and I'd like to keep it that way."

Sakura sighed. "How tragic. The village doesn't know what their Rokudaime is giving up for them."

"Sakura!" he hissed, still blushing.

"Our dear, dear Hokage - becoming monogamous for the sake of village secrets!"

Naruto glared at her. It was a much better glare than the one he had utilized at twelve - he had just looked comical and squint-eyed then. Now, it was scary.

Sakura held up her hands. "Okay, Kay!" And then she punched him. "You're not allowed to glare at me."

"...Ow," he said pointedly. "Hello, Hokage here?" He waved his hand exaggeratedly.

"Right. Hokage-sama. Hokage-sama, your precious hat is crooked."

Naruto immediately whipped around to scrutinize his hat in the mirror, fixing it obsessively. Sakura coughed to hide her laugh. Naruto ignored her with dignity.

"So where's the bastard?"

Sakura gave up coughing and started giggling. "He - um. Last I saw him, he was glaring a few hapless chuunin into moving you guys' stuff from your old apartment to your rooms here in the Hokage Tower."

Naruto sighed. "Well, I suppose I'd better save the poor, poor chuunin from such a cruel fate before the ceremony begins." He glanced at his watch. "Shit, no time!" He shooed Sakura out of the door quickly. "I'll meet you there! I've got to grab Sasuke-teme."

Sakura squawked as Naruto pushed her out of the room. "Wha - Naruto, there's no time! The ceremony starts in ten minutes!"

Naruto winked. "I'm Naruto Uzumaki, Hokage. I can do anything!"

"Yeah, but you won't be Hokage if you miss the damn -"

The blond disappeared in a puff of leaves before she could finish. He popped to their new rooms, but Sasuke wasn't there, so he quickly formed a few dozen bunshin and sent them in search. When the coordinates of the Uchiha's location appeared in his head, he transported himself there, in a rush and slightly frantic. He yelled, "You twice-fucked bastard, you're not getting sex for a week if you make me la-"

And then he belatedly realized where he had transported to. He stared at the huge crowd below. The crowd stared silently back. He turned to stare at the dignitaries. They stared back. He rotated again to stare at his lover. Sasuke palmed his face and muttered, "Dobe."

Naruto grinned and scratched the back of his head. "Heh. Yeeeeaah. So. How 'bout those mortifying situations?"

He was Hokage, though. He had a gorgeous (and sarcastic and bitchy) lover and more friends than he had ever dreamed of having. Nothing could mar his happiness. Nothing.

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A/N: No, this is not a sudden switch from my usual apathetic angst. Five Things That Never Happened.

Mwahaha.

Anyway, this is my second chapter fic. They shall have no particular timeline. I'm not too good at updating (which is why I usually write one-shots). Ergo, I encourage you to review and blackmail me into updating.


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